the ballad of angelica and susie

i.

conning babies out of candy,
framing dogs for disasters,
kicking reptar in the fucking

shins—i just think it’s really
incredible how ninety percent
of plots on rugrats are driven

by angelica being an asshole.
i only wish bold and brash
had been the kind of girl

that actually dominated
playgrounds and blacktops,
instead of regressing

to their corners to play
house with the others not fit
for kickball or four-square.

call me a problem child,
i suppose—i felt seen by this
little blonde nightmare

of a child in the same way
i loved gaston, cackled hard
at the sight of ursula onscreen.

it’s not that i think angelica is
anything but a problematic
fave; i just think people

contain multitudes most
of the time. i was once young,
blonde, and devious—

i may not have ripped apart
a baby’s cardboard box
right before their eyes,

but i regularly schemed for
my own betterment. i could
be accused of selfishness.

my good was often
outweighed by my bad,
whether by mass or volume.

ii.

kill the schemes with kindness
and follow the kindness
with laughter. layer the laughs

with confidence and i’ve nailed
it. i knew susie was always
intended to be angelica’s foil—

in some ways, this made her
the ideal little girl. there is
always a silver lining, a bright

side. there is a moment
of compassion, a slice
of empathy, and these dashes,

i think, kept me from full-blown
angelica, from the vinegar
that sloshes in the chambers

of my heart. indeed, i hold
parts of susie, too—i am as
self-assured as a personality

disorder. i am compassionate
as a martyr. this is to say
that these traits, on their own,

are not indictments; there are
perhaps parts of me you could
call well-rounded, on account

of the ways i am like susie.
and i am mostly othered
for the ways i am like

angelica, never praised
for all the ways i’ve grown
up. this is not a poem

about girlhood—at least,
not because this is why i cannot
check that box. no, this

is about being seen as enough
like the people i should
emulate. i am enough.
 

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